How To Sang the Blues
1. Most blues songs begin with "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something
nasty in the next line:
I got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town
3. Blues lyrics are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it (sang it twice)
and then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
With the meanest dog in town
Yeah, I got a good woman
With the meanest dog in town
He got teeth like a di-no-saw-er
And he weighs about two hundred pounds
4. The blues are not about limitless choices.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation includes Greyhound Buses and southbound trains. Walkin' (in shoes with holes in them) plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. Pick-up trucks are reserved for country music.
6. Teenagers may be able to "play" the blues but they can't "sang" the blues. Adults sang the blues. Especially adults who feel like they want to die or are a-fixin' to die. You are an adult if you are old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklin or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression, not the blues. Chicago, St. Louis, Memphis, Birmingham, and anywhere in the Mississippi Delta are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do NOT belong in a blues song: violet, fuscia, beige, and mauve.
9. Good places for the blues: the highway, the jailhouse, or an empty bed. Bad places: outlet malls, gallery openings, or golf courses.
10. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man or Dan Ackroid.
11. People will listen to your blues if: your first name is a southern state (like Georgia), you're blind, you shot a man in memphis, or you can't be satisfied. They won't listen to your blues if: you once were blind but now can see, you're deaf, or if you have a trust fund or stock portfolio.
12. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sang the blues. Elton John should never have called it the blues.
13. Some blues names for women: Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie. Some blues names for men: Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Lightning. Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia are not permitted to sang the blues, no matter how many men they shot in Memphis. People with names of physical infirmities (blind, cripple) and persons whose first names are the last names of presidents (Jefferson, Johnson) are O.K. to sang the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby gives you terpentine, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are cheap wine, whiskey, and muddy water. The following are NOT blues beverages: mixed drinks, kosher wine for passover, Yoo Hoo, bottled spring water, and french roast coffee. beer and likker are reserved for country music, but R.C. Colas are appropriate in both country and blues songs.
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, then it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair or death from substance abuse. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
16. Musically, the key of E is the proper key to sang the blues out of. The key of A is acceptable, but not if you use a capo on your guitar and chord it in G; the key of G is reserved for country music. Talkin' blues can be done in C. Never, ever in a blues song use a chord with a name that ends in "sustained" or "augmented" or "diminished to the 7th" unless you are a communist sangin' a song about the bourgeoisie.
17. Don't play the blues on an instrument that doesn't have its own personal name. Heather, Caitlyn, and Allysia are NOT good names for blues guitars. Lucille, Betty, and Doris are. Elvira is reserved for country guitars.
18. Guitars purchased from Sears and Roebuck or Montgomery Wards play the best blues music. Unless you get one from a pawn shop. Or shoot a man in Memphis and steal his woman and his guitar. A guitar from a chain-store mall outlet or one custom-made by an expensive craft-person should NEVER be used to play the blues. Brand names such as Ibanez, Epiphone, Tacoma, and Yamaha are of doubt-ful blues authenticity; Fender, Gibson, and Martin are probably O.K. If your guitar is so cheap that it doesn't have a brand name anywhere on it, then it's a blues guitar. Unless it has a label that says "made in Korea" stuck on it somewhere. If you are a communist sangin' a song about the bourgeoisie, then you probably don't even have a guitar to play on.. Bumper stickers placed on a guitar are reserved for country music.
19. In the title of your song, never, ever use a "z" on the end of "blues" and it aint "da" blues or "de" blues. It can be tha blues or the blues but not da bluez or de bluez. "Da" and "z" are reserved for hiphop and rap.
Thornton Music